Today I am a-okay.
Today I am just a little bit hopeful.
I hope today, you are too.
Sorry for the MIA Internet… I’ve just been busying losing the rest of my mind. I’m always losing my mind.
But in more positive news, I’ve be reevaluating things. Letting go. I’m okay.
I can feel the summer excitement already, good things to look forward to.
I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to “figure out” who I am or what I want..
More like wasting a lot of time. That’s what it’s starting to feel like.
I really need to get over this irrational fear of being alive or living. Or whatever. It’s always been problematic. More so now. Ugh.
I just don’t know.
I’m terrified you won’t remember me. I’m terrified of the terrible impressions I’ve left. No impressions at all, I’d assume. I’m terrified of being proven how insignificant I am. Because I would give up everything to mean anything to you. And I don’t care how crazy that sounds.
I wish this were easier.
You know when all that hard work you are doing feels like it’s not amounting to much… and you keep thinking you could probably be doing a lot more, but you’re doing what you can, but that’s still not good enough. I feel so unbelievably unmotivated and I know I shouldn’t compare my progress to anyone else’s progress, but I do and I will, I can’t help it.
I don’t know.
I’m aiming to finally make this the week (first one this year, first one since I stopped) I gym it the whole week. Two days down, three more to go. Vaguely motivated. I still don’t know.
I made a pretty dissatisfying juice tonight. I do not like celery. Or.. I should just use less like the first time? Either way, tonight’s juice was what I originally expected juicing in general to taste like. Grass, basically. My grandma suggested I add orange… but that didn’t help much. Then she suggested I just chug the juice… I was clearly not brave enough. I’m still sipping and the smell of celery makes me dizzy. This is not fun.
Well tomorrow’s another day! :)
Asdfghjk gdsh!¡jdrhhcv;&!sdjxafjllbff asgjnhft !!!!!!!!! Cxbcsdjcafnczdbvassd cgbdgnn vmdsedasgkll ugh.
okay, good night.
Goodbye phone! Let me just put you in this drawer right here, where I can’t see you.
I have things to do and I need no distractions thank you!
*brb being productive*
keeps announcing line-up additions and I stop breathing every time because its kind of spectacular. And I just need it to be summer already. PLEASE BE SUMMER ALREADY.
Positive Things About Today:
+ I began reading my sixth book of 2013 - The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. Recommend me something? I’m on a roll.
+ I grocery shopped - healthy living isn’t so bad.
+ I bought kale and spinach and celery - things I wouldn’t ever think twice about. I start juicing tomorrow.
+ I ate a mini cupcake or two - and didn’t feel ashamed.
+ I bought Girl Scout cookies for the whole entire house - sharing is caring.
+ I packed my gym bag for tomorrow.
+ Making this list.
I’m trying my best to take in what little motivation has stricken today. :)
Well… where did January go? It’s getting ridiculous how fast time is actually going.
Today was a good ending to the month. I got paid. I got my W2 papers. I grocery shopped. I bought some new teas to try, I’m trying to get into more tea drinking, less coffee drinking, I don’t know though. I made lists. I got a new journal and even wrote in it.
Also, I have succeeded in two whole weeks of my new healthy lifestyle. Well, with the exception of last weekend when I ate a couple of slices of pizza because… pizza. How is a girl supposed to say no to that!? Nonetheless, I’m starting to feel better. Slowly, but surely making progress.
My head has been all over the place lately. And I really can’t stand feeling this confused most days. I’m trying so hard to be okay, I’m not so sure though. Typical.
Today feels like one of the those days I could use company or just a hug. But when is anyone ever there on the days I legitimately feel like I can’t hold on anymore. This is why I’m trying to constantly remind myself to keep my head up, no ones gonna do it for me. And life’s gonna keep on keeping on with or without me.
I also texted an old friend telling her that I found her doppelgänger at my gym and that I hope she’s doing well. The last time we saw each other was a couple years ago, at her wedding. Remember when we used to be best friend? Remember when we were just kids wondering how our lives would turn out? We might meet up next week to catch up. That should be nice, I think.
I took a mental health day. I text messaged “sick” into work. Sometimes we need it, nbd.
Also… this is the most unproductive day of 2013 so far. Oops. I didn’t mean to watching music videos and reblog stuff all day.
Anyway it’s only 4ish p.m. I have a ton time to still pick up my room or read or do something more productive.
I do not regret today.